Father pt 2

I have obviously been a bit “under the weather” so to
speak. Emotionally crippled by so many challenging obstacles. I’m
bitter, lost, tainted, and utterly emotionally selfish. My fearlessnes
s has taken over. Which in turn makes me into SHE BITCH. I haven’t
meant any offense to anyone during these times of rage that I
reek. And I’m sure most of you are tired of seeing or hearing me
complain continuously. Trust me I cant bare to hear myself. Since
my last blog about my father…. My sister and I have gone to see him
several different times. What a journey that has been! All well
worth it though.
This man I remember and heard of is not the same man I
see when we visit. He’s not a child in my eyes. Who laughs and plays.
He’s a man with deep regret and silent pain. Its been one of the
hardest things I have ever had to endure. To see my father in a
home, who cant take care of his own self. Who has to depend on
everyone to guide him. To see his pride literally be shattered into
little pieces.
I declared that I wouldn’t cry. That I was too callused. I
was insincere to myself. I stepped in and seen my father. Tears
began to make way. I tried to hold it back. And as my father walked
up with excitement in his eyes, “HEY THOSE ARE MY KIDS” . I instan
tly fell apart. I felt like I was a child again. I embraced him with open
arms. A hug that I haven’t felt……. in what seems a lifetime. I sat
next to him with a knot in my throat that was so tense I couldn’t
swallow. I couldn’t think. nor speak. My emotions were on a roller
coaster . And All I wanted was to get off of the ride. I wanted to
run away. Away from the pain. Away from everything. Just simply
wither away.
And then came all of my harsh scrutiny of me. My dad put
his hand on my leg. I cringed as if I were in pain. All those years not
having a relationship with my father, the main man of my life. Devel
oped into deep seeded issues from beyond. no affection. All these
thoughts flowing through my head. What if this? Why am I like this?
Why is life so unfair? Why couldn’t we fix this before this disease
took control? My unanswered questions became obsessions.
I don’t want to speak of our past. I want to keep that
part of our relationship silent to the world. Its not forgotten, but I
don’t want him to be remembered by all of his mistakes. I want him
to be remembered for the man who really loves his children and his
grandchildren. The man who talks endlessly for two days about his
daughters and how they came to visit. The man who makes sure we
know that he loves us before we go back out into the world. Those
memories will conquer the old sour memories forever.
I put his picture up on my fridge. I keep it up to keep in
touch with reality. I don’t want a day to go by where I forget. I
want that unwelcoming sting to seep in. My lesson has been learned.
And I will never forget.
I love you dad. I always have. And always will. I love you
amber for being there for me. The weakened one. And I admire you.
You do an outstanding job with handling dad and helping him out. It
amazes me. If there was one thing that I wish I could learn from you
it would be your strong sense of affection. I love the ones who
have been supportive and helpful in our time of need. I thank you.
And I will never forget.