Father

I grew up most of my life angry at my Father. I
wish I could go back. I suppose everything happ
ens for a reason. Right? I sit here now contempl
ating who my Father really is or was? Well to
explain things a bit better...my Father was diag
nosed with Dementia about four years ago and is
now in a home. He's in the last stage
(Alzheimer's) with COPD and Parkinson's. Now
you would think that I would be a total wreck
right now, and normally I would be. But in all
honesty I feel very bittersweet about the situ
ation. No, its not easy but my Dad is.....well, how
do i put it?....well he's quite the character these
days. He's withering away in his mind, forgetting
the past and practically the present. He struggle
s with normal everyday tasks and activities. And
often gets frustrated with himself when he can't
think of the words to express himself. Yet he kno
ws how to laugh. Doesn't sound very impressive
does it? Well, my Dad was neery the type to
laugh or even joke around while I was growing
up. And now he's in a home......sick....and is able to
find humor in himself and his surroundings. He
also has a major sweet tooth. Even tho my Dad
wasn't much of a sweet eater at all. He reminds
me of a child. It puts a little smile on my face. I
like the thought of my Father being silly at his
age and under the circumstances of the life he is
living. So regardless of our past and all of our
negativity that has been tossed around for so
many years. I'm truley happy if my Father is trul
ey happy. Thats what matters the most. I'm just
not sure if he really is or not. I could easily give
up every inch of my bitter past with him if I kne
w that he could stay a kid at heart till the end.
My Father has brought on a whole new wave of
emotion for me. It's hard to describe. Its's kind of
like watching the beautiful sun get covered up by
dark rainy clouds on a very still calm day.......and
then watching the storm destroy everyhting..but
the sun still emerges out from behind it all and
creates a magnificent rainbow. Even throught all
of the struggle. If that makes much sense at all?
Im not really sure if any of this is making any
sense really... I get to visit him Sunday. I'm not
exactly sure how it will go or what the outcome
might be. He may not be able to remember me
or my sister. But I've already figured out how
I'm going to handle the situation if he did forg
et....I'll reintroduce myself. "Hi, my name is Ashl
ee. Nice to meet you." It's better than taking it
hard and crying myself to sleep at night. I must
prepare for the worst. Life is bittersweet and
full of lessons..and Dad has taught me something
out of all of this. Don't hold grudges against the
ones you love...live life for the moment..its a was
te of energy.
I can't remember the last time I actually got to
hug my Dad or even got to say "I love you" to
him...I hope I get that chance before its too late.
Love you Dad
"Three objects, three pois
ons, and three seeds of virtue."
-Bud
dhist quote